Yeah Right... - just det :/

so when thinks everything is ok, then when come home this damned weeping starts again.. no wonder life gets so fucked up in feelings and emotions turns into being so overdimensioned when one doesnt eat properly and the pound shop told me my gold was american double so its getting interesting to get to work this month since no travel money and work in the country side Life under the level is so getting deep in meaning To have to back off from promised land felt feeling is so hard, especially when it touches life, love, future and everything same time when life crashes it surely so do in a very thouroughly way well we got to reach the bottom to see whats there I must find a way to stop this feeling of being outside myself body is still reacting with shock sympthoms but why I KNEW all the time my head is as if had no oxygen for while and these tears these tears for what for what for what well not sure if it changes anything for me still these reactions scare me will try to eat and see if its getting different am not made of panzar got feelings and emotions and was always honest no game SHOULD done games maybe followed instinct but for what I dont do games it either is or it isnt BACKLASH seeing things from the other end of the rope mirrors shattered glass of mirrors everywhere right now Time to shape up pull myself together raise from this reach my inner IZ she seems so sad though and bit disappointed to even be that no need to be things are what they are life is life love is fucked always we already knew still this goes beyond everything still the feeling is as this is just ordinary shit predestinated selfdestruction as hopes woken are nothing new Time will tell... IT FUCKS ME UP I DESTROYED MY ANT STORY of the Divine contra Human for what... did I do that sacrifices emphatie sucks there is none for me in the end and why should it be every man is responsible for what we allow If dont want to make a sacrifice then dont simple as this when you believe you are safe you are not thats for sure well, blurbing shit thought things are what them are as always what you cannot be without keep this what you dont need just skip it

Not for me - Aldrig blev så verkligt plötsligt

Just Let go..

It takes a lots of skill to turn page so often and suddenly realize NEVER is such hush word. When it becomes real, the shock is sudden. I really belived all fairy words.
Should have known to use my skills of understanding and shouldnt ever take them serious.

Nothing is changing

Them words of fairy is just phanthasies

The universe you share with another human being that you wish to share this with
is what it is

And it really doesnt matter

Its just to see it for what it is

its eternal

Just not meant to be anything else
no matter fairy words

And maybe its ok

who needs to be near the one beloved anyway
nearness fuks things up

Am feeling like Cinderella

"What is a dance at the castle.... anyway.... just a fucking dance.... nothing real even if feels real

I just dreamed...

And let someone capture me totally

gave gifts not needed
gifts not wanted

so,,,

every relation has got its limitations

and this ones limitation is that its ethernal

Nothing to fuzz about...

Its just Life

Satan!!!! :/
He made me dream
I wished for something
never thought wanted
ever more
in life

So many years.... of all..then nothing...then everything...then none..then gone...then back....then again something...then the final realization.... NO
Not possible
Too many obsticles
Too many hinders
IMPOSSIBLE

ah ok

Then back to friendship then....

well, its hell of a friend, so am ok

Appreciate the existance of this person

Narcissism, where do you take me...
Its just a mirror
face that
he is just like me

And I am pretty uncompatible too

Well....... lets see where this will do ... changes nothing

It was just a dream...

A nice dream

Future plans dream

FUTURE

HA

Future is now

LIVE

its ok

everything is ok

Its just that everything´s crashing

Why

why trash my friendships
why attack
anyone coming near
why always return when
am given hope lost

why
be jelous
if doesnt wants me

Wants me...
wants me not
wants me in this and that concept
wants me not

just needs me as the eternal freind I guess
friend with benefits
sometimes

easily fooled
into giving
more then
deserved

Like pearls for them
who doesnt knows
thems worth

The sandqueen
steps into the icon
and shut down the
world
so the world
doesnt deserve
them pearls

They were never wanted

not for real

well, every relation doesnt have to be more then this

It was just that
He made me dream

I made me dream

never met the like before

It was amazing

Nice dream

gone

Perfect timing too

Now am totally alone

for real

not even ...

ah never mind

I dont belive in relationships anyway

so why am I so totally in shock

this none oxygen feeling

as if the skin is of layers with carbonated sugar water inunder

lips numb

well, am not suicidal anyway

Just will make sure not to walk on any high bridges
for a while

who knows the inner wishes of nothing

well....

life goes on

and its not my wish to die

so no

I just feel so damn condemned
to eternal sadness

Its not so very often one meet someone
as oneself
so lonely it is

everyone else was welcome
nearness was needed

not mine

My soul
Is nearness enough
My energy
My apperance
wanted

Distance

Why had to make me dream
of more
this is my question
why

good timing......:/ the possible rival just met a new girl, the ex that loved me forever is dead a few weeks ago, me myself realizes am no more no one none, life crashes, and the beloved so doesnt wish to be with me
not more then on distance

well

distance is existance

anyway

am no dream one no more

dream is no more

so ok

time to plan otherwise

the trik is to make this near beloved accept
ah what does it matter
never cared anyway
what I do

Its me that just dont focus to well

I JUST WANTED
to be
the ONE

and for a short second, a split second
of eternity
I was believing this I was

never doubt a mans instinct....
told myself this
once
tell myself this always
if there is hesitation
dont do this

one cannot do nothing against inner emotions

mine said yes
his said no

so thats it then

Five years of hoping
adn none hope
splits ups
and eternity

Time to get real....

Hiding from the falling bricks - Livets gåvor är död

Am hiding... death everywhere right now. Funerals, suicidal plans of nearby one, death everywhere... Life moves on and me with it... there is a possible change of economy stress soon, I might get a job as permanent again. Its a fun work. So thats ok. My future plans of romance seems go straight to hell though, better possibilities arriving in that reality.. Tries to not feel too much. It is what it is. Everything. DEATH is a New Beginning, in tarot anyway. Keep telling myself this. Still numb feeling inside. Livet... jag gömmer mig. Gömmer mina känslor, mig själv som en igelkott i sin lövhög, väntar på en ny vår. Ekonomiskt kanske det löser sig snart igen. Men pengar kommer och går, livet består. Det är ett ensamt liv.

Trashed dreams - Söndertrasade drömmar

Todays gift from life was the definite explanation that defines NEVER in very strong sense. SO no matter what nicely promises were given, dreams shared, future ahead was not to be..



It is so IMPOSSIBLE

yes, guess so

when decision is made

there is no turning back

and now me knows

Nothing really changed..

Just the LIFE Question

went into laser bright neon

from darker shadow of not so sure to this

dark bright

NEON letters

written all over my hope as a FORBIDDEN sign of an X all over my dreams

and am puzzled

so puzzled

where did we lost this

when did we lost it

was it ever there

Just some dreaming then uh

ah ok
think am awake now

its damn cold

....

:/

when I die I wont come to you
I will go to some one that wants me there
I don't like it to be not welcome

when I am thrown into dust

then am not

coming to you

don't worry

we were never here

< screams to oneself "Stop being such fool"
why would anything be as meant to be
ever
no reason whatsoever

and life moves on....

Just another shitty day in hell...

when everything breaks apart

of course

the most important

cannot be relayed on either

realization

is hard to care

we were never here

ugh

...
:/

the giljotine isn't down yet,..,. am still waiting...
for that one... it will fall in september

after this

it will be hard

as far as it comes to the social destruction of my financial stuff

well.... since this above stroke me to the ground

guess the material world will fix itself

no luck with money -
no luck with games

mostly gives this effect

I don't know

everything turned damned grey

today

never mind....

its life.,...
disappointments all over sometimes
in all kind of aspects....

especially in the trust department

its so nice with honest ones around
when the one most wanted
is being honest

makes me wonder

why

why choose

someone

so unwillingly

BECAUSE

when they wants you
and needs you
then they are very VERY convincing

well....

in the end

the truth comes forward

it was all a game
nothing for real
just dreaming

and suppose it was fún too
to break the distress
to break the boredome

by making me think
something
more of it
then it seems to be

so WHY why the hell

disturb then...

grabbing me
when am off to other universe

when I given up

when I make peace with my solitude
in this

when I accepted
I cannot have what I wanted

dangle the carrot before me nose
and see me jump
the happy rabbit jumps

The only NOOSE
is the DEATH Noose

only thing to relay on

but it takes 30 dreadful seconds

so no

not for me

am sure death is a boring place to be

at least this CHAOZ and MAZE
life is
gives some thrills

Guess am bit low due to not eating too

so tomorrow it will feel fine once more then

and I fight the impulse to just scream

WHY
WTF WHY

its not so strange everyone splits up
when social pressure kicks in

I know... there are books on the subject

...and I found out..... that I could have been working for any agency during the last shit year after all.... all this desinformation....

think its needed to start a center for information about social fuked up rules of society.. how to deal.... whats right and whats wrong..... so no one becomes poor as hell and looses everything just because the job is gone for while and you are suffering under the well fare shit with all its consequences

..and no...I didn't move.... I went to court with that shit... and they told..they should not make me move.... unfair blackmail.... I stopped go to them...
I don't eat instead... and am working part time... and soon I will sell my articles..
since now I can do this..

when am informed
as I am now
not same information
given as last time...

Some days... am thinking of just leaving

maybe am preparing

for the last resort

when am out of nothing
everything
anything
left

I will clearly die under that bridge, frozen to death

so no option

its costly to be me...

everyone else is doing fine...
even if their soul gets spanked
by this

mine is fine....

posh little girl
walking down the street
nose in the sky
never touching dirt
not misbehaving
keeping clear line

for how long and why.....

am not being saved by the white knight anyway

that was clear and went clear tonight

he doesn't want this

maybe if am broken totally into peaces...
yeah right
if doesn't care now
wont care then either

am nothing

just was fun to mess with for some years

trashbin.... embrace....trash again
and so on.....back and forth
forth and back
again

then..... the beginning signs of the hunt...for else entertainment...
and then..... back again....

oh wow...

IS THIS LIFE

starts to get it why calls themselves complicated
I know another word for complicated...
its UNINTERESTED.. and NOT SERIOUS

you know what.... it's OK to be this...

many has lovers and not relations

its not unusual

strange thing with men like this is
they don't accept it ever to be over

and it is never...

its just a hiding game
in the end

and the bleeding heart
leaving traces of black sorrow
everywhere

leaving traces...

everywhere.,...

R.I.P LOVE
rest in peace DREAMS
Maybe I resurrect you one day...
beware of this^^
You might get zombified
(sitting in net skirt in front of TV with big belly, burping of beer... nightmarish:/)

who am I kidding....

love IS a ZOMBIE
we resurrect
over and over again

its a social idea

the chemicals
they make things happen
and that is true

unexplainable wonder

well well...

NEVER MIND

am lost...
anyway

in so many ways

so..

why even bother to be upset...

nothing changed

all is same

only now I know
for sure
what its about

men feeling rejected are worse then women scorned

the trick is to remember when we rejected them

was it when we were realizing
they weren't willing
or was it when they sniffed out new pussys of interest,..,.
who knows..
when interest got forlorn,...

who knows...

anyway...

tonight I found out

the definite

answer

anyway

NEVER
TO BE

so deal with this....
now...
I tell myself

Life is a maze

and then we die

well, soul mates never die...

still not sure they are supposed to be lovers though

that seems complicated

for sure...