Trashed dreams - Söndertrasade drömmar

Todays gift from life was the definite explanation that defines NEVER in very strong sense. SO no matter what nicely promises were given, dreams shared, future ahead was not to be..



It is so IMPOSSIBLE

yes, guess so

when decision is made

there is no turning back

and now me knows

Nothing really changed..

Just the LIFE Question

went into laser bright neon

from darker shadow of not so sure to this

dark bright

NEON letters

written all over my hope as a FORBIDDEN sign of an X all over my dreams

and am puzzled

so puzzled

where did we lost this

when did we lost it

was it ever there

Just some dreaming then uh

ah ok
think am awake now

its damn cold

....

:/

when I die I wont come to you
I will go to some one that wants me there
I don't like it to be not welcome

when I am thrown into dust

then am not

coming to you

don't worry

we were never here

< screams to oneself "Stop being such fool"
why would anything be as meant to be
ever
no reason whatsoever

and life moves on....

Just another shitty day in hell...

when everything breaks apart

of course

the most important

cannot be relayed on either

realization

is hard to care

we were never here

ugh

...
:/

the giljotine isn't down yet,..,. am still waiting...
for that one... it will fall in september

after this

it will be hard

as far as it comes to the social destruction of my financial stuff

well.... since this above stroke me to the ground

guess the material world will fix itself

no luck with money -
no luck with games

mostly gives this effect

I don't know

everything turned damned grey

today

never mind....

its life.,...
disappointments all over sometimes
in all kind of aspects....

especially in the trust department

its so nice with honest ones around
when the one most wanted
is being honest

makes me wonder

why

why choose

someone

so unwillingly

BECAUSE

when they wants you
and needs you
then they are very VERY convincing

well....

in the end

the truth comes forward

it was all a game
nothing for real
just dreaming

and suppose it was fún too
to break the distress
to break the boredome

by making me think
something
more of it
then it seems to be

so WHY why the hell

disturb then...

grabbing me
when am off to other universe

when I given up

when I make peace with my solitude
in this

when I accepted
I cannot have what I wanted

dangle the carrot before me nose
and see me jump
the happy rabbit jumps

The only NOOSE
is the DEATH Noose

only thing to relay on

but it takes 30 dreadful seconds

so no

not for me

am sure death is a boring place to be

at least this CHAOZ and MAZE
life is
gives some thrills

Guess am bit low due to not eating too

so tomorrow it will feel fine once more then

and I fight the impulse to just scream

WHY
WTF WHY

its not so strange everyone splits up
when social pressure kicks in

I know... there are books on the subject

...and I found out..... that I could have been working for any agency during the last shit year after all.... all this desinformation....

think its needed to start a center for information about social fuked up rules of society.. how to deal.... whats right and whats wrong..... so no one becomes poor as hell and looses everything just because the job is gone for while and you are suffering under the well fare shit with all its consequences

..and no...I didn't move.... I went to court with that shit... and they told..they should not make me move.... unfair blackmail.... I stopped go to them...
I don't eat instead... and am working part time... and soon I will sell my articles..
since now I can do this..

when am informed
as I am now
not same information
given as last time...

Some days... am thinking of just leaving

maybe am preparing

for the last resort

when am out of nothing
everything
anything
left

I will clearly die under that bridge, frozen to death

so no option

its costly to be me...

everyone else is doing fine...
even if their soul gets spanked
by this

mine is fine....

posh little girl
walking down the street
nose in the sky
never touching dirt
not misbehaving
keeping clear line

for how long and why.....

am not being saved by the white knight anyway

that was clear and went clear tonight

he doesn't want this

maybe if am broken totally into peaces...
yeah right
if doesn't care now
wont care then either

am nothing

just was fun to mess with for some years

trashbin.... embrace....trash again
and so on.....back and forth
forth and back
again

then..... the beginning signs of the hunt...for else entertainment...
and then..... back again....

oh wow...

IS THIS LIFE

starts to get it why calls themselves complicated
I know another word for complicated...
its UNINTERESTED.. and NOT SERIOUS

you know what.... it's OK to be this...

many has lovers and not relations

its not unusual

strange thing with men like this is
they don't accept it ever to be over

and it is never...

its just a hiding game
in the end

and the bleeding heart
leaving traces of black sorrow
everywhere

leaving traces...

everywhere.,...

R.I.P LOVE
rest in peace DREAMS
Maybe I resurrect you one day...
beware of this^^
You might get zombified
(sitting in net skirt in front of TV with big belly, burping of beer... nightmarish:/)

who am I kidding....

love IS a ZOMBIE
we resurrect
over and over again

its a social idea

the chemicals
they make things happen
and that is true

unexplainable wonder

well well...

NEVER MIND

am lost...
anyway

in so many ways

so..

why even bother to be upset...

nothing changed

all is same

only now I know
for sure
what its about

men feeling rejected are worse then women scorned

the trick is to remember when we rejected them

was it when we were realizing
they weren't willing
or was it when they sniffed out new pussys of interest,..,.
who knows..
when interest got forlorn,...

who knows...

anyway...

tonight I found out

the definite

answer

anyway

NEVER
TO BE

so deal with this....
now...
I tell myself

Life is a maze

and then we die

well, soul mates never die...

still not sure they are supposed to be lovers though

that seems complicated

for sure...

GO - No I Wont

Found this at the bridge on the way from the special center the social department of Stockholm sends them who needs some money from them to. First I thought it was cool to find knitted graffiti, and it looked so cosy.. then when checked it out it extended into something more then just graffiti art.. it was actually a comforter for suicide..it seems...
still I think would only get mind concausion if used this one

..and no.. am not planning any suicide..

Am going to write for a magazine called Pluto, in swedish for once...
and this endless search for cheaper flat brings me to lots of places in this inner city I never saw..and I found some amazing graffiti everywhere..

and some fun too

This Took Me Three Days To Make it says.. in swedish up on that beton wall high up there..yes I bet...

This kitten is still meeting up with me everywhere... this time in the street I found a nice apartment at... still... they didnt want mine.. so no... well nice to see this one again anyway...

I actually think I spotted Ulf Lenneman from In The Colonnades in a record store at this same street btw^^ That was also nice. To see he is still out there. Wow.. I will never forget the way he treated the microphone wire at concerts. Best performer I know. Unforgettable.


End this now.


Here is another version that better illustrates my mode in this struggle walk through life right now..

So angst.... ågren på besök

jaha, en engelsk blogg igen då... om mitt lilla ågren besök och lite gnäll om a-kassans regler och soc kravet på att jag ska flytta till en billigare lägenhet.. hur fan jag nu ska få råd till en flytt... this blog is in english and follows after the video.



Hard to fight an angst attack tonite. Numb lips. Cold lips. Numb feeling in my face. Breathing totally wrong... well am practicing mums yoga breathing she thought me last time she stepped by... this just gives more oxygen then me can take.. so I practice the trik... distraction.... you take a coin and roll it around your fingers... both hands.... well.. guess it s more efficient when you are not both handed as me.... ah well... so I blog then...



I called the social department today. Has to.... can't pay my electricity nor the gas bill... they made an ultimatum.... try change your flat to a less expensive or we wont help you out...



so... am I skipped out to them behatefulled suburbs then...
naaaa
they gave me the creeps once upon the time
so I fight really hard to get my inner city flat
took me so many years



am not givin it up

guess I will take a tenant then...
to pay half the rent

or something...



maybe I get a job soon

am coming with the newstartjobs label now...
63% reducement of their costs for me payed out in hand, if I got it right,
only they employ me....



just beacuse I only had fill in jobs now and then the last year since my work was taken off by the government when they took away the young ones ability to learn media properly with handcraft and teorie mixed..



The art universities stopped the government to take estetics off from secondary school program, becuase they cant take pupils on that arent teached how to hold a pencil in their hands.



But the journalists don't want competition in the infected area of nepotism and shit that gave them their jobs once... so the union of journalism fought hard for years to kill this programme off.... and now they got their will through...



well.... young people doesn't stop learning anyway...
they use the internet.. and they grasp the chance to learn media communication in the social program instead .. or in the special subject that some estetical program at secondary school provides



I still do not get it

why waste millions of billions on educating us journalists into become media taechers and then take away our jobs...



fuked up way to run finances of a country, if you ask me...



and its my own fuked up union of elitism that made that happen....



well, them old bastards are soon retired and hopefully the union will be runned by more skilled people with more decent agenda then protecting their own arses...



well.. got nothing more to tell...
today



so see you next time


added only because of the photo next to follow is Velvet Undergrounds version..or one of them...

hate the Banana album so here is a live version I like

ahh wtf..who am I kidding.. this is the song I love....


and btw.... some lingurie store is reading my blogs... they offered me the opportunity to get around 20 quid to lotto out to my readers if I blog about them...


and no am not heroine user... never try stuff that will get me hooked.... life is such a drug in itself..otherwise I wouldnt be around I guess....

I dont even use affiliation...
I love it when it's commercial free blogs around


this band I kind of love

If I promote something it is beacuse I love it myself... am a journalist....
no fkn dealer.... that could be bought...



well.... am maybe stupid....
maybe I should start makin money undecent ways...
me too



but I am a member of a society of journalists.... that took an oath once... not to be corrupted..... even if ethics are floating thing .... I still got obsticles... against that kind of stuff...



My father used to say
"shall I raise my children to be honest or shall I raise them to fit the corrupt society they are gonna live within... !
Life question....



well... don't know no more...
what to do
sometimes
and still knows anyway

I cannot write proper articles in my blogs... because then the union of mine..the insurance that comes with it.... would say I write blogs to sell meself as a journalist at proposal for employers...

am allowed to blog, but not to make articles...

am thinking of start to clean floors and toilets at the hospital...
just to get rent money in.... and hope to have the energy to write articles as well..

guess no one wants me to do that job.... academics arent welcome exactly.... since everyone knows.... they probably dissapear when a opportunity in their own area shows up...



Last time I was unemployed I worked lots of jobs meanwhile....
and I had a cool unempleoyment office that helped me...



but media teachers arent counted in as cultural workers...
and if you didn't live off your artistic work when you got unemployed
then you cannot come back there again....



Them rules are tigther now as well... so its hard to take fill in jobs....
ah well..... lifes goes on....



I did get into the course at university I wanted.... but I cant go there...
due to rules system
so they prefers me to sit here and get angst instead...

well.... tomorrow library



my english is going to get improved....



am reading Nietzsche again...
and possible my Anaïs Nin if I find a proper english translation
maybe throw in Jane Anne Phillips.. she is hardcore compared to Kathy Acker
Machine Dreams compared to Blood and Guts in High School....

ah I just have to see if I still think this



well, am dreaming myself off the subject....could be I feel dizzy since havent ate in few days too... well.. no one died from that... as long as you drink liquid of water or tea or whatever you are ok...



lost 5 kilos anyway... in last month



not that important

nothing is... except get the rent in, pay the mobile so I get connection to internet and phone.... pay the insurance for unemployment money, try keep the bank happy so I got an account still.... get the damn electricity and gas bill payed...



have coffe and cigs, and prefereably milk for the coffe.... and some vegetables and herbs....for dinner....

needs no more



except maybe get rid of this choking feeling and the overdose of oxygen when I worry a bit...



shit..what am I saying.. I need a job..... thats it...

or some new idea on how to make money flow again....in my economy...



now am gonna stuff this blog with some music.... so you wont get bored stiff...

...

na will do it laters.. am off to a second world to see if my favourite dj is there to unwrinkle my brain...

He wasnt on....

What I wanted.... Vad jag skulle vilja..

From life... I would very much ahve loved to be at the university right now...
due to previous reason claimed for in this misery blog I wont...
Not Allowed...

I really hate them words... not allowed....


(whoa... that mix rocked^^^)

still... its my choice not to take this risk...

You cannot go to university when unemployed... then you shal just sit still on your ass..and wait for some employer to wants you.... or else... your insurance doesn´t fall out.... fkn shit system... if asked I would would say...

To be available for work.... you dont need to sit on your ass.... passive..
am still able to work even if I do an evening course at the university and especially if most of it is on distance by computer and internet...


(CoMa is special)

well, I went there today anyway... to make some copies...

and smell the air...

and took some pictures...

energy

was taken from this

refreshing atmosphere..

even I know the halls where lessons are held raelly suks from air point of view..
you sleep pretty good there if not bring your own oxygen... or the speaker teacher arent good as hell....

The way they crush you down... Fångad i eländet

Misery blog - the reaper companies got a new way to keep you in misery.. they keep asking credit companies of you even they know the situation - to keep you down. Of course, without fuked economies they wont survive..it is pure business...
Blog is in swedish, except here and there I comment the choice of songs in english under them... just a emo blog.... in swedish this time...
Best Misery song ever - SinsOfLust - is not here..because it is nowhere to find in YouTube...



Man försöker ordna ett samlat lån för att få ned kostnader när allt krashar. Man försöker ordna sin situation. Gör misstaget att kolla med flera banker för att få en uppfattning om vad de kan erbjduda. Då får man inget lån. För varje bank tar en kreditupplysning. Och har du flera kreditupplysningar är detta ett skäl till att neka dig lån oavsett inkomst.



Sen när allt krashar. På grund av oväntad arbetslöshet.

I mitt fall på grund av att regeringen tog bort mitt jobb, samma jobb de betalat mig för att utbilda mig till - journalister blev i slutet av 90-talet även medialärare för det behövdes medialärare och vikariesvängen i journalistbranschen var välbetald men osäker och orsakade guppig ekonomi minst sagt. Jag nappade i varje fall. Och såg det som ett wallraffande som var kul att utföra..



Sen när allt krashar. Då hamnar lånen till slut hos kronofogden. Fast först hamnar de hos indrivningsföretagen.



Samma indrivningsföretag, i mitt fall Intrum Justitia, som skickat allt till kronofogden (efter att först tagit kreditupplysning) gör sedan nya kreditförfrågningar även fast de redan vet att ens ekonomi har krashat.


(SHit. I really dont like this song.. but I dont like this blog either..so it fits...)

Så, det finns liksom ingen väg ut ur det hela.



En gång krashad alltid krashad.



Jag får inga lån i framtiden.



För kreditupplysningarna fortsätter tas. Av dem som redan vet.
Elakt.



Typ lika elakt som den kronofogde som ringde runt till arbetsgivarna och frågade vad de betalade i lön. För en skuld på 3000 i missad betalning i en stressad ansamstående mammas tillvaro när allt stod på sin spets vid ett tillfälle för hundra år sedan.




De vill inte att nån ska vilja anställa dig. Men de vill ha in pengarna. HUR?



Jag bara väntar på att alla arbetsgivare också ska skicka in förfrågningar.

Eftersom jag söker rätt många jobb blir det många förfrågningar.




Visst, tänker du. Försätt dig inte i den situationen så du blir föremål för granskning då. Betala allt i tid alltid.

jo, jag gjorde det.

Mina banker var ytterst förvånade när allt krashade. Eftersom de var vana vid att jag alltid betalade som jag skulle.

Men svårt när inkomsten gick från 17 tusen netto till 10 tusen.


Det är vackert i misären. Ångestens kristaller hänger som spegelbilder av pengar på väggarna av kalt bergrum.

Men jag är inte deprimerad i varje fall.

Nånstans måste jag le.
Åt det absurda.



Tror fortfarande det är bra för journalister att leva i verkligheten av vad de vanliga dödliga lever i, åtminstone för en stund.

Hur ska man kunna förstå nåt om man aldrig luktar på byken.



Saker bara tas om hand, sköter sig självt och politikerna vet inte ens vad mjölken kostar. När allt går på räls.

När tåget spårar ur då får man se vad som fanns där i deksdensens dikesrand.
Det där som flimrade förbi och väckte empati, eller irritation, är plötsligt din verklighet.

Intressant.



Ahhh... dessa inkassobolag. De har kommit på ett ytterligare sätt att tjäna pengar...

Eftersom posten skär ned personal langar den stressade brevbäraren ibland in posten fel ibland brevlådorna i huset. Så inkassobreven kanske inte når dig.

Då skickas ingen påminnelse.
Nej.. då skickar inkassobolagen ett bud med brevet på din dörr som kostar dig 1500 till...



Vacker värld i misären.... (INTE)



Ibland önskar jag att jag inte vore en ärlig människa som jag är,
om jag också fuskade och ljög och fakturerade via vänners konton...
då skulle jag kunna ta alla de erbjudanden om jobb som frilans, inhyrd personal och så vidare...

men a-kassans regler förbjuder mig att arbeta med sådant.

Om jag inte blir ANSTÄLLD så får jag inte arbeta.


(yah after all them tunes needed something like this)

För då räknas jag som egen företagare och ska klara mig på det.

Man startar inte ett företag när allt är rasat. Hyran ska betalas varje månad, eller så står man på gatan. Påhugg finns, men de räcker inte för att försörjningen av ens lilla karusell ska gå runt. Så idén om företag går bort.



Om du har ett företag kan du inte heller gå till socialkontoret och hoppas på att få hjälp med elektriciteten och gasen. De hjälper dig inte med hyran heller.
För har du företag ska du klara dig själv.



Även om ditt företag bara består av en A/F-skattsedel och finns där enbart för arbetsgivarna inte vill eller har råd att anställa på vanligt vis.

Pepp blog for myself.. en blogg om fantastiska kvinnor

Just a blog to pepp myself a bit... its in swedish...
just me scoping through youtube .. on the track for great fems... and a great magazine (Drop Dead Magazine) was seen in a Fad Gadget video

Vakna upp efter mardrömmar och tänkte skriva en blogg om att alltid förlora när man inte e ärlig mot sig själv... En blog om att förlora för att man är ärlig.... när man borde vara motsatsen... men jag landa i FB. O där hittade jag en video som Nina Hagen skicakde ut, från när hon var på en morron show för ett tag sen.



Först tänkte jag uj... hon låter som en man o ser ut some en transa.... inte för att det är något fel på det.. de e coolt enligt mig.. men ändå...

Sen titta jag på en annan video från förr



då blev det en spellista över fantastiska kvinnor

så.. siouxie... och patti fick ôckså va med^^






Men sen landa jag i min pojkväns youtube o mindes en låt han brukade dj:a på sin klubb... och hitta den här versionen



Den innehåller bilder av Drop Dead Magazine.. som e en av de bästa tidningar jag läst sen Puss.. neeej.. den hette inte så... det fanns en skitbra musiktidning som man läste när MNW fortfarande var bra... och Slitz forfarande var en musiktidning..men jag minns inte vad den hette..... min klasskompis Arnfinn Hovland jobbade för den..det minns jag i alla fall...



Mitt hår börjar bli långt nu.... så snart har jag kanske som min ava i SecondLife..ner till backen^^

ahh... antar att jag har en morgon där jag behövde peppa mig själv lite...

New Start Job - Nystartjobb Nifty little tool for society

En liten blogg of nystartsjobb. Fascinerande. Efter ett år av helvete får jag en bonus att ge arbetsgivaren.. de får reduktion av sin arbetsgivareavgift för mig. För varje lön betalar arbetsgivaren 31,41% av summan till staten... de får tebax detta plus ytterligare 31.41% av min lön. Kommer fortfarande kosta... men inte lika mycket som andra på företaget... This blogg is in english...



Just joking. Things are actually good now.Am gonna be practically free to employ now by the way. There is this final tool state of government gives for the sorting of who is suitable for work or not. Is called reductment of fees. Gives the employer money back for my salary by reducting their fees twice. The fee is 31, 41% of what they give me in salary... 62,84% of this state fee they get back.. Whoa....

So am now gonna use this bate to fish for employement.

Maybe gets electricity back then.... and the gas..... and my banks gets money back then when the same state moves into my salary account to repair them damages my economy caused this year of none employment...

One can wonder why.... they dont use this bate from start. Not everyone is exactly fit to work after one year of helltime of unemployment. Broken economy, loosing self esteame, relationships smashes into peaces due to this shit of fighting for money and so one...

Well, lets hit the road then....



Am not broken.. at least I was allowed to blogg during this year of hell... so somewhere to be active then given....

It´s so strange.... so many rules to try keep the gamblers from huzzling...
and the only ones getting axed is me the none huzzler....

you cant be hired, then you loose insurance when you are out of work.. most employers wants to hire..not employ... You cannot free lance... same thing...

so many ways to backbind my hands to work...

adn then.... this.....

I has to be given cool salary, same as them who are employed in ordinary way..
but I cost less for the employer...

wow.... am impressed...



This video makes me think of Bo Hansson The Rabbit album.... no its not called this.. Trollkarlens Hatt (hat magician)its called..



And to get us out of the mode and back....