Yeah Right... - just det :/

so when thinks everything is ok, then when come home this damned weeping starts again.. no wonder life gets so fucked up in feelings and emotions turns into being so overdimensioned when one doesnt eat properly and the pound shop told me my gold was american double so its getting interesting to get to work this month since no travel money and work in the country side Life under the level is so getting deep in meaning To have to back off from promised land felt feeling is so hard, especially when it touches life, love, future and everything same time when life crashes it surely so do in a very thouroughly way well we got to reach the bottom to see whats there I must find a way to stop this feeling of being outside myself body is still reacting with shock sympthoms but why I KNEW all the time my head is as if had no oxygen for while and these tears these tears for what for what for what well not sure if it changes anything for me still these reactions scare me will try to eat and see if its getting different am not made of panzar got feelings and emotions and was always honest no game SHOULD done games maybe followed instinct but for what I dont do games it either is or it isnt BACKLASH seeing things from the other end of the rope mirrors shattered glass of mirrors everywhere right now Time to shape up pull myself together raise from this reach my inner IZ she seems so sad though and bit disappointed to even be that no need to be things are what they are life is life love is fucked always we already knew still this goes beyond everything still the feeling is as this is just ordinary shit predestinated selfdestruction as hopes woken are nothing new Time will tell... IT FUCKS ME UP I DESTROYED MY ANT STORY of the Divine contra Human for what... did I do that sacrifices emphatie sucks there is none for me in the end and why should it be every man is responsible for what we allow If dont want to make a sacrifice then dont simple as this when you believe you are safe you are not thats for sure well, blurbing shit thought things are what them are as always what you cannot be without keep this what you dont need just skip it

Not for me - Aldrig blev så verkligt plötsligt

Just Let go..

It takes a lots of skill to turn page so often and suddenly realize NEVER is such hush word. When it becomes real, the shock is sudden. I really belived all fairy words.
Should have known to use my skills of understanding and shouldnt ever take them serious.

Nothing is changing

Them words of fairy is just phanthasies

The universe you share with another human being that you wish to share this with
is what it is

And it really doesnt matter

Its just to see it for what it is

its eternal

Just not meant to be anything else
no matter fairy words

And maybe its ok

who needs to be near the one beloved anyway
nearness fuks things up

Am feeling like Cinderella

"What is a dance at the castle.... anyway.... just a fucking dance.... nothing real even if feels real

I just dreamed...

And let someone capture me totally

gave gifts not needed
gifts not wanted

so,,,

every relation has got its limitations

and this ones limitation is that its ethernal

Nothing to fuzz about...

Its just Life

Satan!!!! :/
He made me dream
I wished for something
never thought wanted
ever more
in life

So many years.... of all..then nothing...then everything...then none..then gone...then back....then again something...then the final realization.... NO
Not possible
Too many obsticles
Too many hinders
IMPOSSIBLE

ah ok

Then back to friendship then....

well, its hell of a friend, so am ok

Appreciate the existance of this person

Narcissism, where do you take me...
Its just a mirror
face that
he is just like me

And I am pretty uncompatible too

Well....... lets see where this will do ... changes nothing

It was just a dream...

A nice dream

Future plans dream

FUTURE

HA

Future is now

LIVE

its ok

everything is ok

Its just that everything´s crashing

Why

why trash my friendships
why attack
anyone coming near
why always return when
am given hope lost

why
be jelous
if doesnt wants me

Wants me...
wants me not
wants me in this and that concept
wants me not

just needs me as the eternal freind I guess
friend with benefits
sometimes

easily fooled
into giving
more then
deserved

Like pearls for them
who doesnt knows
thems worth

The sandqueen
steps into the icon
and shut down the
world
so the world
doesnt deserve
them pearls

They were never wanted

not for real

well, every relation doesnt have to be more then this

It was just that
He made me dream

I made me dream

never met the like before

It was amazing

Nice dream

gone

Perfect timing too

Now am totally alone

for real

not even ...

ah never mind

I dont belive in relationships anyway

so why am I so totally in shock

this none oxygen feeling

as if the skin is of layers with carbonated sugar water inunder

lips numb

well, am not suicidal anyway

Just will make sure not to walk on any high bridges
for a while

who knows the inner wishes of nothing

well....

life goes on

and its not my wish to die

so no

I just feel so damn condemned
to eternal sadness

Its not so very often one meet someone
as oneself
so lonely it is

everyone else was welcome
nearness was needed

not mine

My soul
Is nearness enough
My energy
My apperance
wanted

Distance

Why had to make me dream
of more
this is my question
why

good timing......:/ the possible rival just met a new girl, the ex that loved me forever is dead a few weeks ago, me myself realizes am no more no one none, life crashes, and the beloved so doesnt wish to be with me
not more then on distance

well

distance is existance

anyway

am no dream one no more

dream is no more

so ok

time to plan otherwise

the trik is to make this near beloved accept
ah what does it matter
never cared anyway
what I do

Its me that just dont focus to well

I JUST WANTED
to be
the ONE

and for a short second, a split second
of eternity
I was believing this I was

never doubt a mans instinct....
told myself this
once
tell myself this always
if there is hesitation
dont do this

one cannot do nothing against inner emotions

mine said yes
his said no

so thats it then

Five years of hoping
adn none hope
splits ups
and eternity

Time to get real....

Hiding from the falling bricks - Livets gåvor är död

Am hiding... death everywhere right now. Funerals, suicidal plans of nearby one, death everywhere... Life moves on and me with it... there is a possible change of economy stress soon, I might get a job as permanent again. Its a fun work. So thats ok. My future plans of romance seems go straight to hell though, better possibilities arriving in that reality.. Tries to not feel too much. It is what it is. Everything. DEATH is a New Beginning, in tarot anyway. Keep telling myself this. Still numb feeling inside. Livet... jag gömmer mig. Gömmer mina känslor, mig själv som en igelkott i sin lövhög, väntar på en ny vår. Ekonomiskt kanske det löser sig snart igen. Men pengar kommer och går, livet består. Det är ett ensamt liv.

Trashed dreams - Söndertrasade drömmar

Todays gift from life was the definite explanation that defines NEVER in very strong sense. SO no matter what nicely promises were given, dreams shared, future ahead was not to be..



It is so IMPOSSIBLE

yes, guess so

when decision is made

there is no turning back

and now me knows

Nothing really changed..

Just the LIFE Question

went into laser bright neon

from darker shadow of not so sure to this

dark bright

NEON letters

written all over my hope as a FORBIDDEN sign of an X all over my dreams

and am puzzled

so puzzled

where did we lost this

when did we lost it

was it ever there

Just some dreaming then uh

ah ok
think am awake now

its damn cold

....

:/

when I die I wont come to you
I will go to some one that wants me there
I don't like it to be not welcome

when I am thrown into dust

then am not

coming to you

don't worry

we were never here

< screams to oneself "Stop being such fool"
why would anything be as meant to be
ever
no reason whatsoever

and life moves on....

Just another shitty day in hell...

when everything breaks apart

of course

the most important

cannot be relayed on either

realization

is hard to care

we were never here

ugh

...
:/

the giljotine isn't down yet,..,. am still waiting...
for that one... it will fall in september

after this

it will be hard

as far as it comes to the social destruction of my financial stuff

well.... since this above stroke me to the ground

guess the material world will fix itself

no luck with money -
no luck with games

mostly gives this effect

I don't know

everything turned damned grey

today

never mind....

its life.,...
disappointments all over sometimes
in all kind of aspects....

especially in the trust department

its so nice with honest ones around
when the one most wanted
is being honest

makes me wonder

why

why choose

someone

so unwillingly

BECAUSE

when they wants you
and needs you
then they are very VERY convincing

well....

in the end

the truth comes forward

it was all a game
nothing for real
just dreaming

and suppose it was fún too
to break the distress
to break the boredome

by making me think
something
more of it
then it seems to be

so WHY why the hell

disturb then...

grabbing me
when am off to other universe

when I given up

when I make peace with my solitude
in this

when I accepted
I cannot have what I wanted

dangle the carrot before me nose
and see me jump
the happy rabbit jumps

The only NOOSE
is the DEATH Noose

only thing to relay on

but it takes 30 dreadful seconds

so no

not for me

am sure death is a boring place to be

at least this CHAOZ and MAZE
life is
gives some thrills

Guess am bit low due to not eating too

so tomorrow it will feel fine once more then

and I fight the impulse to just scream

WHY
WTF WHY

its not so strange everyone splits up
when social pressure kicks in

I know... there are books on the subject

...and I found out..... that I could have been working for any agency during the last shit year after all.... all this desinformation....

think its needed to start a center for information about social fuked up rules of society.. how to deal.... whats right and whats wrong..... so no one becomes poor as hell and looses everything just because the job is gone for while and you are suffering under the well fare shit with all its consequences

..and no...I didn't move.... I went to court with that shit... and they told..they should not make me move.... unfair blackmail.... I stopped go to them...
I don't eat instead... and am working part time... and soon I will sell my articles..
since now I can do this..

when am informed
as I am now
not same information
given as last time...

Some days... am thinking of just leaving

maybe am preparing

for the last resort

when am out of nothing
everything
anything
left

I will clearly die under that bridge, frozen to death

so no option

its costly to be me...

everyone else is doing fine...
even if their soul gets spanked
by this

mine is fine....

posh little girl
walking down the street
nose in the sky
never touching dirt
not misbehaving
keeping clear line

for how long and why.....

am not being saved by the white knight anyway

that was clear and went clear tonight

he doesn't want this

maybe if am broken totally into peaces...
yeah right
if doesn't care now
wont care then either

am nothing

just was fun to mess with for some years

trashbin.... embrace....trash again
and so on.....back and forth
forth and back
again

then..... the beginning signs of the hunt...for else entertainment...
and then..... back again....

oh wow...

IS THIS LIFE

starts to get it why calls themselves complicated
I know another word for complicated...
its UNINTERESTED.. and NOT SERIOUS

you know what.... it's OK to be this...

many has lovers and not relations

its not unusual

strange thing with men like this is
they don't accept it ever to be over

and it is never...

its just a hiding game
in the end

and the bleeding heart
leaving traces of black sorrow
everywhere

leaving traces...

everywhere.,...

R.I.P LOVE
rest in peace DREAMS
Maybe I resurrect you one day...
beware of this^^
You might get zombified
(sitting in net skirt in front of TV with big belly, burping of beer... nightmarish:/)

who am I kidding....

love IS a ZOMBIE
we resurrect
over and over again

its a social idea

the chemicals
they make things happen
and that is true

unexplainable wonder

well well...

NEVER MIND

am lost...
anyway

in so many ways

so..

why even bother to be upset...

nothing changed

all is same

only now I know
for sure
what its about

men feeling rejected are worse then women scorned

the trick is to remember when we rejected them

was it when we were realizing
they weren't willing
or was it when they sniffed out new pussys of interest,..,.
who knows..
when interest got forlorn,...

who knows...

anyway...

tonight I found out

the definite

answer

anyway

NEVER
TO BE

so deal with this....
now...
I tell myself

Life is a maze

and then we die

well, soul mates never die...

still not sure they are supposed to be lovers though

that seems complicated

for sure...

GO - No I Wont

Found this at the bridge on the way from the special center the social department of Stockholm sends them who needs some money from them to. First I thought it was cool to find knitted graffiti, and it looked so cosy.. then when checked it out it extended into something more then just graffiti art.. it was actually a comforter for suicide..it seems...
still I think would only get mind concausion if used this one

..and no.. am not planning any suicide..

Am going to write for a magazine called Pluto, in swedish for once...
and this endless search for cheaper flat brings me to lots of places in this inner city I never saw..and I found some amazing graffiti everywhere..

and some fun too

This Took Me Three Days To Make it says.. in swedish up on that beton wall high up there..yes I bet...

This kitten is still meeting up with me everywhere... this time in the street I found a nice apartment at... still... they didnt want mine.. so no... well nice to see this one again anyway...

I actually think I spotted Ulf Lenneman from In The Colonnades in a record store at this same street btw^^ That was also nice. To see he is still out there. Wow.. I will never forget the way he treated the microphone wire at concerts. Best performer I know. Unforgettable.


End this now.


Here is another version that better illustrates my mode in this struggle walk through life right now..

So angst.... ågren på besök

jaha, en engelsk blogg igen då... om mitt lilla ågren besök och lite gnäll om a-kassans regler och soc kravet på att jag ska flytta till en billigare lägenhet.. hur fan jag nu ska få råd till en flytt... this blog is in english and follows after the video.



Hard to fight an angst attack tonite. Numb lips. Cold lips. Numb feeling in my face. Breathing totally wrong... well am practicing mums yoga breathing she thought me last time she stepped by... this just gives more oxygen then me can take.. so I practice the trik... distraction.... you take a coin and roll it around your fingers... both hands.... well.. guess it s more efficient when you are not both handed as me.... ah well... so I blog then...



I called the social department today. Has to.... can't pay my electricity nor the gas bill... they made an ultimatum.... try change your flat to a less expensive or we wont help you out...



so... am I skipped out to them behatefulled suburbs then...
naaaa
they gave me the creeps once upon the time
so I fight really hard to get my inner city flat
took me so many years



am not givin it up

guess I will take a tenant then...
to pay half the rent

or something...



maybe I get a job soon

am coming with the newstartjobs label now...
63% reducement of their costs for me payed out in hand, if I got it right,
only they employ me....



just beacuse I only had fill in jobs now and then the last year since my work was taken off by the government when they took away the young ones ability to learn media properly with handcraft and teorie mixed..



The art universities stopped the government to take estetics off from secondary school program, becuase they cant take pupils on that arent teached how to hold a pencil in their hands.



But the journalists don't want competition in the infected area of nepotism and shit that gave them their jobs once... so the union of journalism fought hard for years to kill this programme off.... and now they got their will through...



well.... young people doesn't stop learning anyway...
they use the internet.. and they grasp the chance to learn media communication in the social program instead .. or in the special subject that some estetical program at secondary school provides



I still do not get it

why waste millions of billions on educating us journalists into become media taechers and then take away our jobs...



fuked up way to run finances of a country, if you ask me...



and its my own fuked up union of elitism that made that happen....



well, them old bastards are soon retired and hopefully the union will be runned by more skilled people with more decent agenda then protecting their own arses...



well.. got nothing more to tell...
today



so see you next time


added only because of the photo next to follow is Velvet Undergrounds version..or one of them...

hate the Banana album so here is a live version I like

ahh wtf..who am I kidding.. this is the song I love....


and btw.... some lingurie store is reading my blogs... they offered me the opportunity to get around 20 quid to lotto out to my readers if I blog about them...


and no am not heroine user... never try stuff that will get me hooked.... life is such a drug in itself..otherwise I wouldnt be around I guess....

I dont even use affiliation...
I love it when it's commercial free blogs around


this band I kind of love

If I promote something it is beacuse I love it myself... am a journalist....
no fkn dealer.... that could be bought...



well.... am maybe stupid....
maybe I should start makin money undecent ways...
me too



but I am a member of a society of journalists.... that took an oath once... not to be corrupted..... even if ethics are floating thing .... I still got obsticles... against that kind of stuff...



My father used to say
"shall I raise my children to be honest or shall I raise them to fit the corrupt society they are gonna live within... !
Life question....



well... don't know no more...
what to do
sometimes
and still knows anyway

I cannot write proper articles in my blogs... because then the union of mine..the insurance that comes with it.... would say I write blogs to sell meself as a journalist at proposal for employers...

am allowed to blog, but not to make articles...

am thinking of start to clean floors and toilets at the hospital...
just to get rent money in.... and hope to have the energy to write articles as well..

guess no one wants me to do that job.... academics arent welcome exactly.... since everyone knows.... they probably dissapear when a opportunity in their own area shows up...



Last time I was unemployed I worked lots of jobs meanwhile....
and I had a cool unempleoyment office that helped me...



but media teachers arent counted in as cultural workers...
and if you didn't live off your artistic work when you got unemployed
then you cannot come back there again....



Them rules are tigther now as well... so its hard to take fill in jobs....
ah well..... lifes goes on....



I did get into the course at university I wanted.... but I cant go there...
due to rules system
so they prefers me to sit here and get angst instead...

well.... tomorrow library



my english is going to get improved....



am reading Nietzsche again...
and possible my Anaïs Nin if I find a proper english translation
maybe throw in Jane Anne Phillips.. she is hardcore compared to Kathy Acker
Machine Dreams compared to Blood and Guts in High School....

ah I just have to see if I still think this



well, am dreaming myself off the subject....could be I feel dizzy since havent ate in few days too... well.. no one died from that... as long as you drink liquid of water or tea or whatever you are ok...



lost 5 kilos anyway... in last month



not that important

nothing is... except get the rent in, pay the mobile so I get connection to internet and phone.... pay the insurance for unemployment money, try keep the bank happy so I got an account still.... get the damn electricity and gas bill payed...



have coffe and cigs, and prefereably milk for the coffe.... and some vegetables and herbs....for dinner....

needs no more



except maybe get rid of this choking feeling and the overdose of oxygen when I worry a bit...



shit..what am I saying.. I need a job..... thats it...

or some new idea on how to make money flow again....in my economy...



now am gonna stuff this blog with some music.... so you wont get bored stiff...

...

na will do it laters.. am off to a second world to see if my favourite dj is there to unwrinkle my brain...

He wasnt on....

What I wanted.... Vad jag skulle vilja..

From life... I would very much ahve loved to be at the university right now...
due to previous reason claimed for in this misery blog I wont...
Not Allowed...

I really hate them words... not allowed....


(whoa... that mix rocked^^^)

still... its my choice not to take this risk...

You cannot go to university when unemployed... then you shal just sit still on your ass..and wait for some employer to wants you.... or else... your insurance doesn´t fall out.... fkn shit system... if asked I would would say...

To be available for work.... you dont need to sit on your ass.... passive..
am still able to work even if I do an evening course at the university and especially if most of it is on distance by computer and internet...


(CoMa is special)

well, I went there today anyway... to make some copies...

and smell the air...

and took some pictures...

energy

was taken from this

refreshing atmosphere..

even I know the halls where lessons are held raelly suks from air point of view..
you sleep pretty good there if not bring your own oxygen... or the speaker teacher arent good as hell....